


Tonight They'll Be No Distance Between Us

by mcgarrygirl78



Series: Coming Around Again [10]
Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Drama, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-19
Updated: 2011-10-19
Packaged: 2017-10-24 18:34:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,069
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/266583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgarrygirl78/pseuds/mcgarrygirl78
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He knew Emily wasn’t with him and he couldn’t bring himself to touch her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tonight They'll Be No Distance Between Us

**Author's Note:**

> This is #10 in the Coming Around Again series. Oh my God, its angst like whoa. I didn’t mean for it to happen but when they spoke, these are the words that came out. And after writing this at work today and then hearing some sad songs while walking home, I nearly burst into tears in the street. Not fun you guys.

Jason stroked her hair. He didn’t want to wake her but knew she wasn’t asleep. She did a good job of pretending but he knew her breathing and body language…she was surely awake. Emily finally opened her eyes, though she decided to focus on his chest for awhile. Jason heard her breath deeply through her nose and slowly exhale.

“Hey there.” He didn’t know what else to say. There was a hole inside of him and Jason had no idea how to fill it. He had no idea how to reach Emily and that made him ache. He ached so much it was hard not to cry out in agony. It would be silly to compare his pain to hers. No, that wasn’t fair. They both hurt, deeply, and this was the time for them to cling to each other. Instead, a void as large as the Pacific Ocean was between them. Jason didn’t have the strength to swim. Surely he would drown before he made it halfway.

Emily tried to smile but failed. She just curled herself around him and held on tight. It was so hard not to scream in pain. Today would have been her due date. Daniel Colby Gideon could have been born today. All Emily wanted was to hold her beautiful baby boy in her arms. She wanted him to have his father’s dark, inquisitive eyes and her mother’s good bone structure. But Daniel was dead.

He died in utero two months ago in what her doctor called a late term miscarriage. Emily was 27 ½ weeks pregnant and her son died. She never saw him or held him; they had to put her under anesthesia to remove him from her womb. Since Emily woke up in the hospital after it was over, she had been in the dark. She walked through life in tunnel vision. After spending two days in the hospital, where she refused every visitor but her stepmother, Emily rested at home for eight days.

Jason wanted her to rest longer but could hardly bring himself to tell her so. She went back to work, throwing herself full throttle into the BAU. She refused to discuss Daniel with anyone, including his father. It exploded three weeks ago when Jason woke to her destroying the nursery with an ax. There wasn’t much left as Jason had boxed up the few toys and clothes they had and made Hotch take them to Goodwill. Emily ripped the bassinet, dresser, chest and changing table to shreds.

Jason did his best to stop her but she was so out of control he feared she would injure him. He waited until some of the rage had dissipated to grab her and the ax. It was the first time since it happened that there was any emotion. Emily crumpled on the floor and sobbed. Jason held her and did the same. It felt so good to have that moment with her even if no words were spoken. He foolishly believed that it might have brought them to the other side.

The next few weeks leading up to tonight showed that it had not. Emily went right back to traveling too much for her job. Jason would send her texts, the same little texts that he used to, _‘love you’, ‘thinking of you’, ‘miss you’, ‘kisses’_ …they went ignored. Profiling seemed to be the only time Emily didn’t feel as if the Earth was crumbling beneath her feet. Hotch said she was not missing a beat in the field though she definitely showed less emotion and empathy with victims and their families. Her security blanket in a world of absolute uncertainty and chaos was falling apart just like everything else.

He gently kissed her forehead and then her cheek. This was the closest they’d been in weeks. Jason was desperate to feel something, anything…the void was pitch black and so cold. Emily grabbed him, kissing him hard. He pulled away for a moment; that didn’t feel right. There was desperation in her brown eyes and when she pulled him back, Jason didn’t fight. The kisses were coarse…Emily kept biting his lip.

She pulled down his pajama pants while Jason’s hands worked her nightgown up. Emily opened her thighs for him as she slid under his body. He was hard, ready to do what she needed. Wrapping her legs around him, Emily pulled him inside of her. The sex was frantic, uncomfortable, slightly painful, and bitter.

“Katya, Katya, please love.” There were tears in Jason’s voice as he mumbled into the crook of her neck.

Emily didn’t answer; she didn’t speak at all. She just held on as Jason thrust in and out of her. There were no sweet whispers, giggles, or touches…it was just raw. Jason groaned as he climaxed. He knew Emily wasn’t with him and he couldn’t bring himself to touch her.

He didn’t linger inside her, hold her tight, or kiss her breathless. Emily pulled away, nearly cringing as if his touch was poisonous. She straightened her nightgown and turned on her side away from him. Jason reached for her…he was drowning. She pulled him into the ocean but left him in the middle. It was hard to breathe; his whole body almost paralyzed.

Not knowing what else to do, Jason pulled his pajama pants up and got out of bed. He couldn’t even make himself look back before leaving the room. They’d been here before, years ago. The last time they made love before Jason left had been just like that…distant and lonely. He hoped to never feel something like that again yet here he was.

Emily cried her eyes out. She knew she was alone now so it was OK. How dare he not stay and hold her? How dare he not demand that she look at him, talk to him, and share with him? She needed him to push even if it led to screaming matches. The sounds of their anger would be better than the agonizing silence.

Her heart was as empty as her womb. Where was Jason? Where was his strength and resolve? She lost Daniel, and maybe one day she would be able to deal with that. Emily didn’t know if she could survive losing her son and the man that she loved. All of her connections were gone; she didn’t feel anything anymore.

Last night she sat in the tub for almost two hours. Holding a razor blade, Emily wondered if she would finally feel something if she just cut the skin. 24 hours later she had no idea what stopped her. Someone loved her, so many people loved her. She loved them and wanted to get back to them. The first step in that journey was getting out of the bed, so she did.

Emily got out of bed and made her way downstairs. Jason lay on the couch, arm over his face. George, her Abyssinian, occupied a spot on his belly. When she sat on the edge of the couch, Emily’s back rested against her ribcage. He stroked his fingers through her raven hair and felt her tremble.

“I'm sorry.” She whispered.

“You don’t have to apologize to me.”

“I need to do something.”

“I think we both do.” Jason replied. “I miss you terribly, Katya…my heart aches.”

“Mine too.” She turned to him, taking both of his hands in hers. Tears brimmed in her eyes.

George didn’t want the drama so he beat a hasty retreat. Jason sat up, taking Emily into his arms.

“What happened to our son was devastating.” He said. “There are no preparations, no warning signals, for that kind of agony. I can hardly put my feelings into words. It hurts me so much.”

“I failed you,” she sobbed. “I failed Daniel.”

“You absolutely did not.” Jason took her face in his hands. “Please don’t believe that.”

“I only had one job Jason; I had to keep our son safe.”

“This was a tragedy. There will never be an easy explanation for what happened that night. It wasn’t meant to be, and that doesn’t make it fair and surely doesn’t stop the pain. I have to think that our son is in a better place. I have to think that or I will want to die too.”

“I can't do this alone anymore. I want to hear you but I can't. I need help.”

“I know, love.” He pressured his forehead to hers.

“I need to talk to Natalie…I should probably call Rachel.” She said.

“Who’s Rachel?”

“Dr. Rachel Howard is my psychiatrist. I guess it’s about time I told you that I have a psychiatrist.”

“I hope you don’t think that will ever change how I feel about you.” Jason’s lips were soft on hers, a contrast to the violence of their kisses in bed. Emily sighed against him. “I know a Rachel Howard; at the Applewood Clinic.”

“You know Rachel?”

“She worked with us on a family annihilator case in 2005. Some of the victims had been clients of hers.”

“Hmm.”

“She is good at what she does.” Jason said.

“I've been seeing her on and off since I came back to Washington. I think I should call her in the morning and set up an appointment. Jason, do you have someone to talk to?”

“Yeah.”

“Honestly?”

“Mmm hmm, honestly.” He kissed her again. “I am not going to lose you again. I love you too much, Katya.”

“I'm not going anywhere.” She caressed the back of his head.

“You’ve been here the whole time but we’re so far apart. What just happened upstairs…that can never happen again. When we make love it means something. It’s warm, safe, and beautiful. When the whole world is dark, our love is the light. I've felt that way since the moment I fell in love with you.”

Emily kissed him passionately. She felt it, finally felt it in the pit of her stomach. The warmth was spreading, slowly, through her limbs. Dark grays were again turning to color. They were muted colors but certainly better than black and white. She gripped the hem of Jason’s tee shirt.

“I love you. I will always love you.”

“I love you too.” Jason hugged her tighter. “I'm going to stand beside you and we will get through this. We’re strong apart but together we can be invincible.”

“This from the man who cried when he hit his knee on the coffee table.” Emily laughed a little.

“I will have you know that that hurt like hell.” He smiled.

“Not quite invincible, but I don't care. I love you anyway. I do need to apologize for…”

“You don’t.”

“Jason…please.” Emily didn’t want to cry anymore but the tears came anyway. She wiped her messy nose. “I hated all the times I ignored your texts. I hated that I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t understand how you could still love me after what happened. I should have trusted you and I'm sorry I didn’t.”

“Your apology is accepted. You were hurting; you're not to blame for anything that happened. I kept throwing these little lines out into a vast ocean. It’s the past,” he kissed her forehead. “We will focus on tomorrow and leave yesterday where it belongs.”

“Come with me, professor.” Emily stood and took Jason’s hands. She pulled him up sliding her arms around him.

“How much convincing would I have to do to get you to go in late tomorrow?” Jason asked.

“Considering it’s close to three in the morning, little to none.”

“I think you need eight hours of sleep.” He held her hand as they walked upstairs. “I think you need to sleep in and then have breakfast in bed. I think you need to cuddle with me.”

“I think so too.”

They climbed back under the covers, holding each other for the first time in so long. George loved the extra warmth so he cuddled behind Jason’s knees. As she fell asleep in his arms, Emily exhaled. It wasn’t over, she wasn’t “fine” now, but she was going to make it. She was going to talk about it, cry about it, scream about it, and hold on to the man she loved. Emily had made her way through tragedy before. At least this time she wouldn’t have to do it alone.

***


End file.
